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Teru teru bozu.
not guilty, but responsible


Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 10864



PostPosted: Tuesday March 28, 2017 1:20:36    Post subject: Unbrilliant pebble.  Reply with quote

    Precious beautiful boy, stupid little fool boy, sakes alive, what am I to do?
    You didn't realise you belonged, and I guess I waited too long to tell you all the things I never knew I had to.

    A wicked world of damned doubts, a sudden single strikeout, can't believe I'm still here and yet you're gone.
    Now I guess I'll try to stick it out, but everything is so wrong and life has no business just going on.

    I have never felt more sorry; but if you'll forgive me, I'll avow:
    if you thought life was bad before, then you should see it now.

    And I have never felt more heartbreak; it reaps despite my best
    efforts to rip the god-damned thing the fuck out of my chest
    and I would tear apart my eyelids if I thought it could help me see
    how these diamond eyes bring some folks high, but they just don't fly for me.

    I try to consult my conscience but it speaks to me in tongues,
    so I'll settle for poisoning my liver and blackening my lungs.



    There's a wound in my world but I'm sadder for you for you'll never know happiness, forever uncompleted.

    You wanted happiness for us, but he's gone forever and I'm sorry mommy, for I am defeated.
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Hughbert Jellius
well shooken


Joined: 25 Jul 2008
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Location: That state what looks like a frying pan

PostPosted: Wednesday March 29, 2017 20:36:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

The worst moment of my life was looking into an open cistern, which my brother had been playing near minutes before, realizing my brother had taken the lid off of it, and seeing blonde hair in the water at the bottom. I ran inside screaming "JIMMY DROWNED" and asking where the rope ladder was, but he was asleep on the couch. Turns out the blonde hair in the cistern was a drowned cat.

To this day I can still recall exactly what it felt like to lose my baby brother. And it's traumatic. But it's still only a shadow of what you're expressing in this poem.

Does your brother Sam feel the same way?
_________________

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"I am where your typis go after you erase them." -- Sir Catpeain Decan
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Teru teru bozu.
not guilty, but responsible


Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 10864



PostPosted: Wednesday March 29, 2017 21:39:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

You asked something similar in my blog and I'm just not sure how to answer yet. He's back in school now but coming home early most days. He's sort of a closed book, compared to Joshua who tended to wear his heart on his sleeve. Or so I thought. Now I realise that maybe I don't know anything.

All I can do is try to be as close to Sam as possible, but part of me is just sickened by the idea of becoming closer now, when it's obviously too little and too late. I'm still making an effort. As best I can anyway. He came in to me today to ask if I wanted to play a game, which is unprecedented. It's always been the other way 'round. With him, whereas Josh always loved to suggest board games and the likes.
I thinků he's trying to be strong for us, which I hate that he would feel the need to do. I don't know if he's making the effort because he wants to for his sake, or if he feels like he ought to for our sake.

He was displeased with the notion of going in to the grievance counsellor but afterwards seemed better off for it and not uneager to go back. I just don't know if it's only to get off school or not.
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Hughbert Jellius
well shooken


Joined: 25 Jul 2008
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Chatango: thick_girth
Favourite Colour: green
Sexual Orientation: El Fist de la Justicia
Favourite Sexual Position: Sometimes you just gotta turn into a swatter


Location: That state what looks like a frying pan

PostPosted: Thursday March 30, 2017 0:48:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

Look at it this way. You talked with Josh all the time, but he hid stuff from you, and any warning signs were undetected. Now that you know there might be problems, you have to make a choice.

You can either act like you're pretending everything's normal (in which case Sam's only outlet is his therapist) or you can acknowledge that things are different now and act accordingly.

You've already made the first step toward helping him, and he's reaching out to you if he's asking you to play games. He hasn't shut you out. And you haven't shut him out.

Quote:
when it's obviously too little and too late.


He hasn't shut you out. You haven't shut him out. It's not too late. Don't allow that thought. He hasn't shut you out yet. And be careful not to shut him out?

I guess what I'm trying to say, summed up, is that you'll never know what was lacking in Josh's life. But you now have the opportunity to find out what's up with Sam. And you know in your heart what it's going to take. Don't let self-loathing interrupt that.

Again, you know in your heart what you and Sam need. But you have to make the conscious decision to follow it. And that decision's going to be a daily one.

I feel like I took you for granted as a friend until this happened. But I've always thought of you as a friend, and a good one at that. Just for the record.


_________________

"This is so far up your alley, it's last standing against the back wall." -- They Called Him Grublingtonford Hawkins Shire, Esquire

"I am where your typis go after you erase them." -- Sir Catpeain Decan
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